Gladly Would I Teach

Watching Southerners when it snows is a wonder to behold!  We see snow so rarely that we just don’t know what to do when it approaches, and when it does finally arrive, our entire lives revolve around what to do about the snow. Before other Southerners attack me, I must reveal that I am a Southerner of the first order, born and raised in Georgia, 7th generation, and proud of it, hence the capitalization of Southerner.

Georgians have known all week that snow was coming, and yesterday school systems throughout northern Georgia started announcing that they would close schools early today. Metropolitan Atlanta systems are open, but most of them are canceling night activities because SNOW IS COMING!  This morning students discussed whether or not the schools will open tomorrow as they also expressed disgust that “all the other schools are closed today!” (One area where American children do NOT need remediation is in the use of hyperbole.)

Local Southern news stations offer updates every 30 minutes to report areas where viewers have spotted flurries. SNOW IS COMING!

Actually, when SNOW IS COMING, Southerners are genetically programmed to perform certain duties.

• We check the local news incessantly because it’s important to know exactly when snow will arrive. Meanwhile, local news stations tag snow broadcasts with catchy names: StormWatch 2010 or SnowWatch, for example.
• We stuff all of the coats we own inside our cars just in case we get trapped while driving. Sometimes we also add water and food, something we learned from documentaries about snowstorms.
• We close schools, businesses, and churches as soon as a spot of white appears on the asphalt.
• We remind each other how to drive in the snow and treat Yankees with deference. If no Yankee is available, we’ll take directions from someone whose mama was a Yankee, and, if all else fails, we’ll listen to someone who once drove in the snow UP NORTH. Everyone cautions us to keep feet off the brakes.
• On our way home from work, school, church, we rush to grocery stores where we buy bread and milk, even those of us who never drink milk! When grocery store bread shelves are bare, we complain that the store was not properly stocked for the storm and then we make fun of all of the Southerners who rush to stores to buy bread and milk, claiming that WE are only in the store because WE really needed bread and milk.
• We drive slowly and cautiously and constantly remind ourselves not to step on the brake if the car starts to skid.
• If the car skids, we immediately slam on the brakes.
• We label roads covered in ice “treacherous.” Roads covered in snow are treacherous. Roads with snow skipping across the asphalt are near treacherous. Clear roads with snow on the edges are considered likely to become treacherous. When night falls, we stay home because we do not want to chance an encounter with black ice which is . . . treacherous.
• We get home and turn on StormWatch 2010 and watch as the school and church closings crawl across the screen. Then we complain when all the other schools close before ours.
• Southern children climb hills, sit on the tops of garbage cans, and try to slide down the hill, a rare event.
• We run outside with a ruler and measure how much snow we have. We then call all of our friends and family to compare snowfall amounts. We double our measurement. If someone else then proclaims to have more snow, we insist that the figure we cited previously was from the front yard and claim the backyard is even deeper.
• Southern children run outside and gather snow from throughout the neighborhood to build 18″ snowmen filled with dirt, grass, rocks, and a little snow.
• We watch more of SnowWatch 2010 so we can see cars that have wrecked by sliding into each other, and we all say, “Bless his little heart. That wouldn’t have happened if he had steered through the slide and kept his foot off the brake!”
• Southern children turn their pajamas inside out and go to bed in the centuries-old-tradition that reversed pajamas cause schools to close.
• We watch television late at night as SnowWatch 2010 broadcasts stories of what goes inside the salt trucks that “keep us safe” and road officials caution us to stay off the roads because they are treacherous.
• We wake up early the next morning and turn on SnowWatch 2010. We learn that the snow is almost gone, watch the school closings crawl across the screen, and complain that school officials don’t care about our safety when our schools remain open and we must travel treacherous roads to reach them, knowing that EVERY OTHER school system in the state is out for snow except our own.
• We get to school and can’t really have normal classes since half the parents kept their children home because conditions are treacherous.
• We go home from school and work, turn on the television, and watch StormAftermath 2010.

Just for the record, I left school two hours early today so I could drive 70 miles to my home in the snow-covered hills of Georgia, the area that SnowWatch 2010 now considers the “bulls-eye” of this Southern snow.  The photo above is outside my home. I know the snow doesn’t look that deep, but you should see the BACKYARD!

Tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor!

UPDATE:  Cobb County Schools are closed on Friday!

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